I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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