Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
