Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
