: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
