he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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