This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
