Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize