I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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