I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
