No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
