I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
