remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she peed on how many people?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
