And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My bed smells like the plague
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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