I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
