how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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