I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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