Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
