there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
