Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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