i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
