yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
