I will die if light touches me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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