you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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