I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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