I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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