a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize