my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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