I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
