i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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