I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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