It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
