3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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