mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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