I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
