Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
