Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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