HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
