I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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