Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
