I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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