this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
