Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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