You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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