There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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