I wish my penis had an off switch
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i need some magic done to my vagina
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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