sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
