dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
