Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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