did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
