i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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