you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
