My room smells like vodka and shame
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
