threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just invented taco cereal.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My liver just had a heart attack.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
