Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
