Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
