if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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