remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
