Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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